I see. I am seeing. Daily thoughts, emotions, and experiences can be too much for one person, for me…but I have learned to stop and slow down.
I saw many people in this season stay out of touch with self and society all the while being busy as usual or “unphased by COVID”. Many people missed and still miss out on this built in time of rest. March 2020… Many people began to rest…sadly some an eternal rest. However some people still were living yet never resting. Grasping for busy, activity, and “normal” gave up opportunity for compassion and inner peace.
When I think of this season, I am filled with an array or spectrum of emotions. One emotion I sit with in particular is gratitude. I found healing. My heart hit some lows around 2017 and lingered until the beginning of pandemic… Sifting thru old journals and memories… I looked at 2017, 2018, 2019 and early 2020 versions of Sudea. I sat with her… My arm sat on her shoulder and pointed out when wrong thinking captured her.
I became a victim of many things those particular years but I determined no longer would I ignore the whirlpool of emotions and haunting past memories. Some of what I experienced was being bullied and victimized knowingly and unknowingly. I sat with this Sudea and let her know it wasn’t her fault. I looked at how life’s experiences and interactions set her up a certain way but not all were healthy, right, true or good or praiseworthy.
Pandemic, because you happened… I took time these two years to heal from hurts from people thought to be trustworthy, from institution leaders like that church, from industry that markets Jesus to make a profit, from politics that seeped into culture, and so much more. I learned to do uncomfortable things like resigning from a job, homeschooling, being a stay at home mom after ten years of working, stopping associations with a giant circle of acquaintances, identifying my people, redrawing boundaries, how I know that I know, when something smells fishy, standing up for myself, learning to become whole-hearted, and more. I have been thinking about repentance, compassion, authenticity, oppression, and separating from false thoughts, ideals & institutions but staying close to people and making meaningful connections.
Pandemic, I am more me than I ever was, is what I want to say. I am thankful. I see what I see now. I choose to be awake, aware, and in-tune. My sights are set… I want to see and understand… I want to feel, seek and find. I want to impart wonder and glory…. God, please show me. I ask: Open my eyes & heart to be, think, say and do as you’ve created me. May my heart move towards wholeness and invite others into such.